For the Dead by Timothy Hallinan

Author:Timothy Hallinan [Hallinan, Timothy]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 978-1-61695-115-3
Publisher: Soho Press
Published: 2014-11-03T16:00:00+00:00

25

I’ve Changed, But I Haven’t Changed Into Anything

THE CURB FEELS different than it used to. And it’s not solely because she’s bigger, although she’d been surprised, when she first sat down, by the fact that her knees folded so sharply and were too high for her to cross her arms on, the way she used to do.

The pavement is harder, too. Even though she’s gained all the weight that almost trapped Andrew and her in that air duct, the concrete presses uncomfortably on her sit-bones.

It’s not exactly a surprise that she doesn’t fit here any more. Where in the world did she think she was going when she made her grand dramatic exit? What was she expecting? Gasps? Horrified protest? Two minutes later, Rose was probably imitating her.

Did she think she was going back onto the street? To some friend’s house? The only friend she’s really made in the whole world is Andrew, and she doesn’t fit at Andrew’s house, either.

And she won’t fit at school, not that she ever really did. He’ll talk about this sooner or later, she’s certain. It’s the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to him, judging from the stories he’s told her about his life. So he’ll talk about it and there won’t be any more Mia Rafferty.

Mia was obviously a pretty thin mask. But it was the one she made and forced on people, and she’s stuck now with what those people see when it slips off. Someone who isn’t good enough to be herself.

A bus roars by, less than half a meter from her feet, and she pinches her nose closed and breathes through her mouth in self-defense. No, she’s definitely not who she was then, back on the street. That girl breathed exhaust like fresh spring breezes. That girl could have taken care of herself out here.

She thinks, We all float until we sink.

She doesn’t even have her secret money. After paying for Andrew’s stupid phone and a few other things, she’s got only about 700 baht. She’s blinking against the bus exhaust, and then she realizes she’s not blinking against the exhaust at all, and she just lets herself cry. She’s quiet about it, no loud, gulping sobs that would get the attention of the people crowding by on the sidewalk behind her, but crying nonetheless, until it seems to her that all she’s done recently is cry, and that’s about enough of it.

She wipes her face with her forearm, hoping it looks like she’s mopping sweat, and instantly thinks, No one is looking at me. No one ever looks at me. If I’d just realized that, I wouldn’t have pretended to be someone else.

But now she’s stuck with all those lies. Stuck with being Miaow.

Stuck with being a big sister to a baby. Poke and Rose’s real baby. She’s wanted a television forever, and they bought it for a baby who’s not even here yet.

She thinks, in so many words, I’m feeling sorry for myself.

The world flickers and blinks on.

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